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Posts tagged ‘April Fool’s’

New conspiracy theory discovered

Someone in the US has discovered new conspiracy theory:

“The CIA, the UN, and the Black Helicopter People all invented these theories,” says one American, who remained anonymous to protect his identity. “Agenda 21, Chemtrails, Protocols, others; they were all invented by the CIA. They want to divert our attention from what’s really going on.”

This American conspiracy theorist has quite a busy life. Oftentimes, he inventories his collection of tin foil hats and kool–aid makers.

“It’s quite easy to refute those conspiracy theories. Chemtrails, for example, are quite silly. There are far easier ways to poison people than by dumping shit into jet exhaust (which would likely incinerate everything anyway). Similarly, Agenda 21 is purely voluntary and has no enforcement mechanisms. And the Protocols of the Elders of Zion are a hoax plagiarized by the Czarist secret police. Anyone who believes any of those or other conspiracy theories is, to put it bluntly, a nutbuttered wackaloon,” he said.

“By allowing such disinformation to spread, it makes people look like batshit crazy paranoids with a compulsive hatred of the government and an inability to see anything as being mundane; it’s always the action of sinister forces that only we know about. That way, we all become absolute laughingstock due to our intricate webs of interconnections and our collections of junk science and ahistorical nonsense. The CIA, UN, and BHP also just want us to be a bunch of crank magnets, where if we’re in for penny we’re in for the pound, and  if we believe in one conspiracy theory, we might as well believe in them all. This includes ones that contradict each other, such as bin Laden being dead for a decade and being captured alive. All this simply makes us look like unhinged fanatics no one should believe in.

“That’s why all these theories were invented.”

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City of Ottawa confiscates Parliament Buildings

Today, it was just reported that the City of Ottawa has confiscated and condemned the Parliament Buildings. Just after dawn, health inspectors, police officers, and property assessors have closed down the historic buildings.

When asked for an explanation of this turn of events, a city spokesperson gave three explanations: “Due to all the mudslinging going on in there, the walls, floors, and ceilings are now so covered with gunk that it is a health hazard. Furthermore, the large amount of hot air constantly circulating inside is starting to weaken structural elements, making it dangerous to be inside the building. Lastly, due to the constant prorogations of Parliament, the Buildings have been declared abandoned by their previous residents.”

Why I’ve become an evangelical

I once was an agnostic, but that time is past, and I am now an Evangelical Christian. Recently, I received a revelation; a revelation from God; a revelation about why the world is the way it is. I have to spread the good news and God’s message. God’s message is that we have to change our sinful ways. That will let us stop global warming and save ourselves.

The reason the world is warming is because of fig consumption. Don’t believe me? See how fig production and global temperatures are correlated? This correlation is because Satan continues to deceive us into eating and growing that accursed tree, and as a response, global warming is occurring.

God hates figs. Jesus cursed a fig tree and made it wither. Jesus did that to save the apostles from Satan’s fruit. Jesus commanded us not to eat fruit from this tree, and yet we continue to disobey His commandment. God threatened us with plagues, wars, and disasters if we consumed figs. And due to our continued consumption of this evil abomination, we have global warming. God is carrying through with His threat.

This is the most significant threat facing the world. It is worse than our continued wearing of mixed-fibre clothing.

We have to save the world. Join me in spreading the good news that we can end global warming by ending figs.

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