Someone in the US has discovered new conspiracy theory:
“The CIA, the UN, and the Black Helicopter People all invented these theories,” says one American, who remained anonymous to protect his identity. “Agenda 21, Chemtrails, Protocols, others; they were all invented by the CIA. They want to divert our attention from what’s really going on.”
This American conspiracy theorist has quite a busy life. Oftentimes, he inventories his collection of tin foil hats and kool–aid makers.
“It’s quite easy to refute those conspiracy theories. Chemtrails, for example, are quite silly. There are far easier ways to poison people than by dumping shit into jet exhaust (which would likely incinerate everything anyway). Similarly, Agenda 21 is purely voluntary and has no enforcement mechanisms. And the Protocols of the Elders of Zion are a hoax plagiarized by the Czarist secret police. Anyone who believes any of those or other conspiracy theories is, to put it bluntly, a nutbuttered wackaloon,” he said.
“By allowing such disinformation to spread, it makes people look like batshit crazy paranoids with a compulsive hatred of the government and an inability to see anything as being mundane; it’s always the action of sinister forces that only we know about. That way, we all become absolute laughingstock due to our intricate webs of interconnections and our collections of junk science and ahistorical nonsense. The CIA, UN, and BHP also just want us to be a bunch of crank magnets, where if we’re in for penny we’re in for the pound, and if we believe in one conspiracy theory, we might as well believe in them all. This includes ones that contradict each other, such as bin Laden being dead for a decade and being captured alive. All this simply makes us look like unhinged fanatics no one should believe in.
“That’s why all these theories were invented.”
I just made these up, but they echo many of the criticisms made against the religion of glibertarianism:
- 10: You get a fetish over the rights of the manager and the entrepreneur.
- 9: You think corporations have rights, but children don’t.
- 8: You believe that if one person is in danger of starving to death, they’ll always make a rational decision and have equal bargaining power, because abuse of power never exists.
- 7: You believe that a ragtag group of mostly untrained people, armed with whatever guns are at hand, could take on a larger group of highly–trained soldiers armed with the most sophisticated weaponry available, and win.
- 6: You think that giving power to something restricted by a constitution (like the government) is evil, but have no problem giving nearly absolute power to things that aren’t restricted by the constitution (like employers and parents).
- 5: You treat Atlas Shrugged and The Road to Serfdom as if they were scripture, while probably having little idea what their authors really thought.
- 4: You think that any government attempt to interfere with the contracts you can make or increase the taxes you pay is too big, but at the same time have no problem voting for a party that wants government so big it snoops in people’s bedrooms.
- 3: You think we live in some perverse zero–sum universe where the only way to prevent the federal government from oppressing you is to let the subdivisions oppress you.
- 2: You claim to believe in both economic and personal freedom, but inevitably only care about the former.
- 1: You get riled up and defensive at the mere suggestion that you care about something other than yourself and your property.
This is really funny:
WASHINGTON—In a stunning development that has left every federal institution reeling, the U.S. government’s legislative branch was arrested this afternoon on 23.3 million separate charges of manslaughter, sources confirmed.
Citing numerous lethal actions over nearly two and a half centuries—including negligent health care policies, failure to fund reconstruction on dangerously dilapidated roads and bridges, and repeatedly putting American soldiers in harm’s way in every armed conflict dating back to the War of 1812—authorities handcuffed all 535 members of Congress today and escorted them from the Capitol building amidst a throng of onlookers.
And yes, it is The Onion.
But as an aside, there is a kernel of truth here. The US has some of the worst statistics (poverty, life–expectancy, quality of infrastructure, health insurance coverage, crime and incarceration, etc) of any developed country. It doesn’t have to be that way.
Let’s juxtapose this (via) and this.
The Arbourist’s partner, The Intransigent One, is a choral soprano who has received some vocal training. She has even taught herself arias. The Arbourist himself sings in a choir but mostly plays the piano. With that information in mind, I wonder they think of this video, another incarnation of the “Sh*t people say” meme:
It’s Sh*t Opera Singers Say, and is brought to you by mezzo–soprano Jennifer Rivera and Tenor William Ferguson.
Some trivia: The song sung when she puts on all those scarves is not a made up, but rather is a few measures of what is arguably the best–known opera excerpt sung by women, the Queen of the Night Aria from Mozart’s The Magic Flute, also known as Der Hölle Rache kocht in meinem Herzen. The fact that she doesn’t reach F6 shows she’s no coloratura soprano.
Today, a national association of brick–and–mortar and online retails declared victory in the War on Christmas. A press release was issued to mark the occasion:
Today is a great day in the history of capitalism, business, and the United States. Retailers decades long effort to redefine Christmas have been successful. What once was a religious holiday has successfully transformed into a commercialized and consumerized glorified shopping spree. And no wingnut can really complain, as Christmas was the bastardized descendant of the Roman festival of Saturnalia and various winter solstice observances. A careful reading of the Bible reveals evidence that implies that Jesus was probably born in late summer or early autumn. Therefore, our victory in the War on Christmas in no way is an attack on any religion.
The press release gave special thanks one group:
We would like to give special thanks to our moles in the National Association of Perennially Pissed off Wingnuts for distracting them from our real objective. Everyone knows that the phrase “Happy Holidays” merely began as a shortening of “Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.” However, our agents, by reminding wingnuts that the phrase “Happy Holidays” could also apply to Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and other winter holidays, and by making wingnuts think it was a politically correct attack on Christianity, allowed us to distract our enemies with an irrelevant diversion, therefore allowing us to focus on our real objective.
How exactly are laws preventing same–sex couples who really want to get married from actually getting married supposed to protect the sanctity of this 72–day marriage, a marriage that, unlike many other things, actually was over by Christmas?